BDAY: HAREM WOES.

Somewhere in Japan, there’s a young man named Ezuke Anbou. Ezuke is destined to become the protagonist of a Harem Comedy. But our story today is not about the inevitable slapstick comedy goodness and outrageous situations he will be put in.

You see, Harem comedies have a darker side that few people know about, and by darker side we don’t mean an edgy story or a tragic past. No, we mean something along the lines of “darker than CLANNAD’s ending” kind of dark… it is known as the Hiring Process.

This is where Harem protagonists must hire their Love Interests and the rest of the supporting cast. Not every Harem protagonist has a lot of conveniently female childhood friends that dig him and live with him. The Harem industry is a harsh one, son.

Ezuke is behind his Hiring Counter, patiently waiting for potential heroines with whom he’ll go into all sorts of wacky adventures and occasional dramatic moments involving dead parents and more dead parents. And maybe dead little sisters.

But suddenly, the silence of the Anbou residence is broken abruptly as a door is slammed open! As soon as the door opens, a small frame with chubby limbs approaches the Hiring Counter with certain arrogance. Ezuke tried his hardest to see the face of this minuscule intruder-slash-potential heroine, but she was, like some would say, too damn small.

Ezuke stood up from his Hiring Chair to observe what was going on but as soon as he stood up, the minuscule interloper leapt and reached the top of the bulky Hiring Counter with ease, jumping several times her own height.

Ezuke immediately examined this curious person, and upon further examination, promptly put on his “what the fuck is this thing” face and reached for the Security button on his Hiring Counter. Then Ezuke remembered he doesn’t have a Security Team and that the Hiring Counter is just a fancy desk with a name.

Before Ezuke could dial up the Monster Defense Squad, the creature, slightly irritated, spoke:

Dora: Aren’t you going to greet me? That’s how it works in Japan, no? Minors greet their Seniors or Senpai or whatever?

Ezuke was surprised: AS IT TURNS OUT, IT WAS A HUMAN. SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT INDEED.

Ezuke: Um….Sure thing, hello there…. What did you say your name was?

Dora: I never told you my name, smart guy. Anyway, I’m here for the audition. I want to appear in this Cachorro’s Lullaby thing. I’m Dora the Explorer, surely you have heard of me.

Ezuke: Cachowhat now?

Dora: Oh, my bad, it’s a job tendency. Puppies’ Lullaby.

Ezuke: Oh, right… So, what can you do??

Dora: I have been training for the Tsundere part… or you might say… TsunDORA.

Ezuke had a deadpan expression, visibly not amused at the horrendous pun.

Ezuke: OK, so I take it you’re new at this whole “Television” thing, right? You can be the Coffee Midget until Season 2 and…

Dora had a pissed off expression in her face.

Dora: Do you have ANY idea to who the hell you’re talking to? I TEACH KIDS SPANISH IN TV, DAMN IT, I’M RELEVANT AND IMPORTANT!

Ezuke instinctively reached for the Security Button as soon as the thing that’s actually human raised her voice again. He once again noticed he doesn’t have one. Then he noticed something.

Ezuke: Wait, aren’t you that 8 year old or something that hypnotizes kids on TV with your strange alien language??

Dora: Yeah, that’s ri—WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ALIEN LANGUAGE??

Dora, visibly pissed, made a fist and sent it Ezuke-wards, but right before her meaty fist could make contact with Ezuke’s very pointy chin, she stopped dead on her tracks.

Dora: Whoops, that’s right… I can’t punch or harm anything in any way while I’m under contract… Oh well. *Lights cigarette*

Ezuke: What the… Hey, aren’t you like, 8 years old or something?

Dora: Technically… What, are you suggesting there’s something about me that’s NOT 8 years old-ish?

Ezuke: Well, yeah, the cigarette on your mouth and the beer bottle on your hand, for starters. Kids shouldn’t do that st—

Dora: CAN IT, FUNNY SWEATER. I’ve been on the business for FAR more time than you, kid. I’m like 43 years old, It’s just that I take these hormones that—YOU KNOW, NOTHING OF THAT MATTERS, WILL YOU GIVE ME THE JOB OR NOT?

Ezuke: ….Well, we already have a Tsundere or two, and considering our Author, we might be getting another cargo of them, so, no job for you.

Dora: Then what about a token loli?

Ezuke: Considering our Author, we might get another 90 cargos of those, so, no. We still need a Coffee Midget, though.

Dora: G-GAH! WELL, IT’S N-N-N-NOT LIKE I WANTED TO APPEAR IN YOUR CRAPPY SHOW ABOUT MALE FANTASIES, A-ANYWAY, DUMMY! *blush*

Suddenly, Ezuke saw the raw TSUNPOTENTIAL in Dora! Will Ezuke end up hiring Dora?? What will be Kako’s reaction? Will the Anbou household ever obtain a Coffee Midget?? Will Eight8Eight ever actually write Puppy’s Lullaby?

INTRIGUING! ALL THIS AND MUCH, MUCH MORE WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF HAREM WOES: BEHIND THE CAMERAS!

COMING FUCKIN’ NEVER!

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So you thought having your own Harem was EASY? WELL FUCK YOU, SIR, IT IS DAMN TROUBLESOME. JUST ASK POOR EZUKE AND ALL THE SHIT HE HAS TO PUT UP WITH, WHAT WITH THE ETHNIC CARTOONS AND SHIT.

Oh man this has some much INSIDE JOKE in it... Please forgive me for that, but this is a birthday present, SOOOOOO.

Anyhow, this is for good ol' . I was supposed to deliver this on fucking December 2010, but my scanner fucking died so I had to wait until it got repaired.

OH BY THE WAY, MY SCANNER GOT FIXED. I BET YOU DID NOT NOTICE TILL NOW TEE-FUCKING-HEE.

Anyhow, I hope you had some sort of INCREIBLY SPLENDID BIRTHDAY bro. I by "hope" I mean "You better had or I'll pop your kneecaps with a baseball bat".

AND FUCK YOUR FOURTH WALL ANYWAY.

I hope the art does not suck so much.

COMING NEXT: MORE BIRTHDAY SHIT.

Ezuke Anbou And Puppies'/Puppy's/WHATEVER Lullaby (c) *Eight8Eight
Dora the Explore (c) some pothead Chris Gifford